Into The Words

IMG_1422Happy New Year and congratulations! We all made it to 2015, with my liver still trying to process the holiday alcohol. I’m, of course, trying to burn off the fat from Christmas cookies, pumpkin pie, and Halloween candy from last year, so the New Year has me hungry. Albert and I are also doing a meatless January to try to shed the combined weight of guilt and animal tears. This is a pretty easy thing to do in Los Angeles, because the vegetarian options abound and are delicious. BUT, let me tell you now, if I gain weight instead of lose it on this diet of shrubs and seeds, watch your animals in February because I will be hungry and there will be carnage. Speaking of pets, look (above) how big Jack has gotten!

So, I am at Gold’s gym today, and there is an ad for a 12-week weight-loss exercise program. The background is a black man with a very large belly, and in front of that is the same man, skinnier and holding a child, and it says that he can be a hero now. Well as a graphic designer, the poster reads that the man had some sort of miracle baby in only 12 short weeks, thusly dropping the weight, like a hot placenta. Hell, I think he’s a hero for just being able to have to have the child at all.


So I’m confused and hungry because I’m starving, and I’m walking home from the gym when I see the plastic of a blister-card on the sidewalk. The plastic packaging is in the shape of a tiny penis and testicles and I think to myself, “When did they start selling baby penises at the Dollar Store? How do they stay fresh? Are the kids sucking on hard candy dicks and balls these days?” I look further to see that the packaging, in fact, belonged to safety scissors, which was disappointing.


Christmas with the family in Cincinnati was great. Albert and I got to see a lot of friends also, and special thanks to Kim for hosting her annual Night After Christmas bash, where I got to catch up with the old gang who are now spread across the country. Of course the traveling back and forth was the usual and expensive pain in the ass, this time with United. EVERY leg of the trip, and there were many, was delayed, even though the weather was lovely. Oh, and there was much running to make connections, and neither food nor entertainment once on board.

Speaking of entertainment, I have two movies to briefly review for you. I’m a huge Paul Thomas Anderson fan and have enjoyed all of his films. I absolutely hated Inherent Vice and had trouble staying awake. You have been warned. The flip side of that coin is Into the Woods. I’m a huge fan of the stage musical, of Sondheim, and of Rob Marshall, and I think the movie musical is stunning. It’s visually gorgeous, the score has never sounded so lush, and it’s just so smart. I’ve gone Into the Woods twice already, and I recommend the trip to anyone. There is no better way to start the New Year then going deep into an enchanted forest, and having a chorus of people singing to you, “No one is alone.”

Happy New Year



I just read in the paper today that an “extinct” shark was found at a fish market in Kuwait. While not completely gone from the earth, it is still delicious with butter and lemon.

We’re two weeks into 2014, and I’m just now wishing you a happy one. It appears I’ll be running late again this year. I’m having trouble moving forward. I mean, my last blog post was a laundry list of expired events from the past, if that gives you any idea where I stand. I suppose I’m always telling you things that already happened anyway. I’m no psychic. Moving forward however, I plan the stories to be more timely, and most of the events still running, so you could actually choose to attend them yourself if you’re so inclined.

On the 2nd, we went and saw the Rose Bowl New Years floats in Pasadena. They were gorgeous, but you can’t do that now, as the flowers are all dead. That is exactly the kind of thing I was not going to tell you about, although you could mark your calendar for next year.

Albert and I have been busy doing our New Year’s decluttering. We have a house and garage full of stuff we don’t need, but so far we have only agreed to get rid of one extra blender, a fog machine, and a broken Christmas decoration. Let the hoarding continue!

We watched the Golden Globes with a group of friends on Sunday, and they seem to have given the awards to the right people. Last night Albert and I went to see Wolf of Wall Street, and Leo and the cast are great. American Hustle and Philomena were my favorite movies of the year, however.

For entertainment in Los Angeles you just have to get outside. Friday, Albert and I went for a hike in Runyon Canyon, which is always a parade of eye candy in itself. Then, as we were driving down La Brea from Hollywood Blvd, we notice a black man taking off his clothes. My first thought was ‘crazy homeless person’, and Albert’s first thought was, “Let’s turn around!” So we do a U-turn to see the man, now totally naked, fully erect, looking at his reflection in the window, while dancing and waving his business. He seems happy and largely endowed, so I can’t be that upset for the crazy man. Instead I focus on the family of tourists walking down the sidewalk with strollers and seniors in tow, about to get a huge Hollywood welcome!