Murder and Mayhem

I hope everybody had a great 4th of July, and special shout out to the troops who are still fighting for freedom. Albert and I clearly made pigs of ourselves on the holiday. Thanks to Trevor and Joey for hosting a very fun pool party and BBQ at their beautiful new home. They have one of the biggest residential pools I’ve ever seen, complete with tile lane dividers. They call it the Uva-Enoch Swim Club and it is a great summer party pad. USA!

The production crew from the television show Dexter just left our house. They are scouting locations for the new season, and they’re thinking about shooting some scenes here. I love that several location scouts have looked at my house and thought, “Yes, that looks like the home of a serial killer.” The last time they were going to have somebody get murdered on my dining room table, but it didn’t work out. This time they’re eyeing my office, where I am currently typing to you, as a potential crime scene. I could not be more excited!

I have a couple of very brief reviews for you. Albert and I recently saw Warhorse downtown at the Ahmanson, which I was excited about because it won the Tony Award for Best Play. I will say that it’s a great production, but of a schmaltzy play. The puppetry and direction are really beautiful, but I found the story predictable and the dialogue wooden. Skip it.

As for movies, I’ve seen some of the blockbusters. Spiderman and Prometheus are probably worth the big screen price, and I would say MIB3 is a rental. There is one movie that is decidedly not a blockbuster, and is my favorite film of the year so far. Beasts of the Southern Wild is unique and beautiful. The story is set in a very poor neighborhood of Louisiana, and looks at the coming of Katrina through the eyes of a five year old black girl. It’s as much a poem as it is a linear story, so it will not be for everyone, but it is one of those movies that takes you somewhere unexpected. The acting by the unknowns is exceptional, and the journey they take us on is unforgettable.

Speaking of beasts, this is a picture of The Rat on the 4th of July. You might not guess he is a fatty, pushing 20 pounds, because that flag he is resting on is gigantic. It’s all about perspective, people, so I’ve decided that all my future accessory purchases will be oversized. No, my belt buckle is not a foot wide, I’m skinny!

Rock Star

My friend Rob came to visit from San Francisco for his birthday. We spent most of the weekend laughing over drinks and old stories, but did manage to leave the house a few times as well. We had lunch at The Abbey with a girlfriend who is quite in the know about celebrity gossip, which I shall freely pass on to you. Our friend (whose name I’m protecting) gets waxed by the same woman who rips the unwanted hair out of The Kardashians, and claims the family keeps her in business because they are furry like Ewoks. Well, you know how Bruce Jenner’s face looked strangely pulled for the first couple seasons, and now his eyebrows are arched like a drag queen? Waxing lady claims that Bruce started transitioning to become a woman before the show ever started taping, but he was told to quit because the show got picked up. The show was supposed to be about the sexy young sisters and not an old man turning into an old woman. So, Bruce agreed to stay Bruce for a couple years for the sake of the famous family. Apparently the show has lasted longer than expected and Bruce is done waiting. Allegedly (hello lawyers), he is taking lady hormones again. Are you thinking Oh My God yet? I believe that would make him the first gold medal winning transexual reality star to grace the front of a Wheaties cereal box, ever. Go Bruce…or Beverly!

We also brought Rob to LACMA to see Levitated Mass, LA’s new giant boulder sculpture. The piece is great addition to the lawn of the museum, and feels significant and powerful because of it’s scale. Before the boulder opened to the public, they had it covered with a huge tarp to protect it from the elements. There is something funny to me about protecting a rock that has survived unprotected, all on it’s own, for a billion years. It’s like a magic trick—before the tarp it’s just a rock, but after the tarp it’s art. Poof!

Albert and I also went to NOHO to check out The Great Wall of Los Angeles. It’s an expansive mural, primarily designed and painted by students, which traces the history of California. It’s located at the corner of Coldwater Canyon and Burbank Blvd, painted along the sides of a river wash. It’s free and worth a stroll, but it ends with the 80’s Olympics, so it’s time for somebody to get painting!

Hollywood Tower

The news of the week is that Tom and Katie are getting divorced and Anderson Cooper is gay. Next they’ll be announcing that Santa Clause is a sham. Really? This is not news to anyone living above a rock. Anderson Cooper goes to my gym when he’s in town, and I’ve seen his very handsome boyfriend. Tom Cruise is an incredibly talented actor who can play almost any role, except for the part of a normal, straight Tom Cruise. He can’t study the role because it doesn’t exist. We’ve all been waiting for Katie’s five year contract with the Scientology Wife Beard Program to end, so she can move on and try to pick up the pieces as well as Nicole did. Katie did her time, got her part in a major Batman movie, had her spawn, and kept her pretty mouth shut. Now she’s getting out in time to rescue Suri, before she’s forced to board the alien mothership.You’re free girls!

On to more important topics—me. I was invited last weekend to a brunch at my friend Megan’s place, in the historic Hollywood Tower. I headed out of the house with Albert and our friend William, when we noticed that our neighbor Dina was having a yard sale. Dina was a transexual who performed comedy and drag around town, and unfortunately she was moving. She was a sweetheart and a good neighbor. Well, let me tell you, the only thing that will make my friends late for a brunch is a tranny yard sale. William and Albert both screamed “wigs!” and then ran to the yard and fought over a pair of go-go boots for about a half an hour.

We continued on to a very fun brunch on the roof of the Hollywood Tower. Megan is great hostess and excused our tardiness because we let her wear a tiara we had purchased. The rooftop of the swanky building provided great views of the Hollywood Sign, Capitol Records, and a table of new friends.

Last week writer and director Nora Ephron passed away. Meryl Streep wrote, “Nora just looked at every situation and cocked her head and thought, ‘Hmmmmm, how can I make this more fun?'” RIP Nora Ephron. Thank you for the words and the fun.

The Pits


I was running in Bronson Canyon last week and noticed the above sign posted all over the neighborhood. First, I’m very sorry for your loss. Second, do not name your dog Lambchop, and then be surprised when he’s eaten. He looks delicious. When I got to the to the base of the mountain a coyote trotted across the street. Lambchop did not stand a chance in that neighborhood.

I continued down the hill, and was running in place, waiting for the light to change at Franklin. There was a very cute guy walking a pit bull and heading toward me. I’m not afraid of pits, because I know some that are really sweet, but I’m always cautious around them. I was recently reminded on every corner by what appeared to be Lampchop’s last looks to the camera alive. Just as I ask the guy if his dog is friendly, the dog falls on his side to the pavement. It then uses it’s legs to scootch closer to me. It looked like a seal. I bust out laughing when the dog rested it’s head on my sneakers and presented it’s belly for rubbing.

“YES, he is friendly, I see,” I say to the cute dog walker.

“Yeah, we trained him not to jump up on people. Now he overcompensates, and finds other ways to introduce himself. He’s discovered that this method usually gets him attention and affection.”

Adorable. I am so trying that.